Conversational Boundaries: Serving Up the Right Amount at the Right Time"
"Conversational Boundaries: Serving Up the Right Amount at the Right Time"
I want to open up about some mistakes I’ve made in the past—mistakes that taught me the hard way about something I didn’t even know existed: conversational boundaries. When I first got into the workforce, I was coming from a place of isolation. I didn’t have many friends, and I was home a lot. So, when I finally had people around me at work, I ended up sharing too much—about my life, my struggles, everything. I didn’t know how to filter what I shared, and honestly, I didn’t realize not everyone was ready for or interested in hearing it all. I was looking for connection, but instead, it backfired and pushed people away.
In trying to create bonds, I didn’t realize I was oversharing or putting people in uncomfortable positions, which led to misunderstandings and some hurtful outcomes. It took me a long time to realize that not everyone I meet is meant to hear the full depth of my story. Some parts of ourselves need to be shared in safe spaces, with people who have earned our trust.
That’s why I really encourage getting involved in a community, building healthy relationships, and talking to a counselor if needed. We need safe spaces where we can share openly without overwhelming others or putting ourselves at risk.
So how can we understand conversational boundaries better? One way to think about it is by comparing a conversation to serving a meal. Imagine you’re hosting a dinner party: you wouldn’t start with dessert—you serve each course in the right order. The same goes for sharing parts of your life in conversations.
1. The Appetizer: Sharing Small, Safe Pieces of Your Story
The appetizer is the first course—a small portion to get the conversation started. In terms of conversational boundaries, this is where you share light, surface-level information. Just like you wouldn’t serve a heavy, complex dish at the start of a meal, you begin with smaller, simpler pieces of your story. This might include your interests, daily activities, or general life updates. It’s an introduction that sets the tone, giving the other person a chance to engage with you.
2. The Main Course: Sharing More, When It’s Safe and Right
The main course is more filling, more substantial—just like the deeper parts of your story. You should only share this part of yourself with people who have shown they’re trustworthy. In conversation, this might mean opening up about struggles or more personal details, but you should feel confident that the person is willing and capable of holding space for you. Just like with a meal, you don’t want to serve the main course too early, before the person has shown they’re ready.
3. The Dessert: Saving the Deepest, Most Personal Parts for Safe Spaces
Dessert is the sweet conclusion, and it’s usually the highlight of the meal—but it comes last for a reason. The deepest and most vulnerable parts of your story should only be shared with people who have proven they’re a safe and supportive space. These could be close friends, family, or a counselor. They’ve earned the trust it takes to hear your “dessert”—the parts of you that require understanding and care. Not everyone is entitled to these details, just like not everyone gets to skip to dessert. If you find yourself wanting to jump straight to the deepest parts of your story, it might be a sign you need a safe environment, like therapy or a support group.
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Why Conversational Boundaries Matter
I’m sharing this analogy because I learned the hard way that sharing too much, too soon can be overwhelming for others, and it can hurt us when people don’t respond as we hoped. Not everyone is ready to hear everything, and not everyone is a safe place for our stories. Learning to gauge who we’re talking to and deciding how much to share protects both our hearts and our relationships.
If you find yourself needing to open up, but you aren’t sure if the setting is right, consider reaching out to a counselor or joining a support group. It’s so important to surround yourself with people who will respect your boundaries and provide you with the right kind of support. Sharing too much in the wrong context can make us vulnerable to those who may not have our best interests at heart.
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Takeaways for Your Journey
As you move forward, think of conversations like serving a meal. Start small, see how the other person responds, and save the deepest parts of yourself for those who have earned your trust. Protect your heart, protect your story, and make sure the people you choose to share with are worthy of hearing it.
With care and compassion,
Kathe'rine
Founder of Sparrows of Hope